So, like the frontrunner I am, I said “screw that” and researched my own thing (with some help of course…lol). After spending the past year and a half working on this, I’ve come to realize two truths about myself:

1. I HATE being told what I CAN’T do

2. I LOVE to cook…like really LOVE it.

So, I figured, why not  take the two and run with it?  Apparantly South Beach has changed quite a bit from when I first tried it 8 billion years ago when the phenomenon first came out.  The phases are a lot more balanced, and the recipes are far more unique and creative…just my cup of tea (decaf of course…lol). I CAN have cookies, I CAN have muffins (well, sort of….but they’re STILL delicious), and I CAN have ice cream (again, sort of…but still amazing). So, I planned my first week of menus, cleaned out my fridge, and started fresh.  So far, so good…neigh, make that GREAT!  Not only do I feel in control because I’m the one monitoring portions, but the food is so flavorful and delicious, I don’t feel like I’m “dieting” at all!  Even if I don’t lose poundage, it does feel really good to feel “in control” in a healthy way.  I’ll let y’all know how it goes (maybe even post pics if I see any REAL changes…lol), but so far, the food is DELISH!  I can have my cookie…and EAT it too :0).

T-dawg’s homework assignment for the week is to create a bucket list….things I want to do before I “hit the bucket”…lol.  It’s still a work in progress, but I’m realizing there’s a lot more I want to do….and how my mentality has changed from “impossible” to “how do I make it work”.  I’ve come to learn that I’m quite the resilient individual  and that well…some plans are meant to blow up in your face…and that’s okay.  Turns out, the hummus I made yesterday was WAY to grainy and not creamy enough, making for a not-so-scrumptious wrap I made for lunch this afternoon…blech.  But it happens, doesn’t mean I should give up cooking altogether…just means that I’m NOT PERFECT and to error is human…THANK GOD FOR THAT.  What a liberating feeling it is to be hopelessly flawed…ya know?  To be broken, bruised, and beaten down…kind of like seaglass found on the beach.  After endless beatings, storms, and drownings, a combination of rain and waves wash it onto the shore, for someone to pick up and admire its unique and admirable beauty.  The rain cleanses and refreshes the plants and trees, who endure awful winds and terrential downpours.  The rain clears the air of all pollutants and toxins….the air we breathe for survival.  God’s healing rain does the same to us…the gift that we can indeed be hopelessly flawed, yet be renewed and strengthened yet again.  So, where I come from, RAIN IS A GOOD THING :0).

I always come up with many excuses: too busy, don’t feel like it, yadayadayada….tis life. I always want the finished product, to see “the other side of the mountain” but hate to travel the journey.  Truth is, I crave routine, I crave to write and have others read it, and need a safe place to do it.  So here I am, back and attempting to do this daily blog to see where the journey leads.  I need the journey…

However, I’m going to put a little bit of a twist on things.  Yes, it will still pertain to my life battling an eating disorder, but it will be more about my experiences in the world as opposed to Ed’s presence (or absence) in it.  I’ve let Ed run my relationships for too long and it’s time I took charge and saw the world through my eyes.  This past year and a half has been full of ups and downs, and as I briefly look back, am so excited I have shared with you all this incredible experience.  It was beautiful to see how far we’ve come on this journey, and how many more exciting adventures are in store. 

Well my fellow cubs, let’s go hiking and bring those ruby slippers, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride!!!

I was about to succumb to the realization that I’ll never have what everyone else has: the house complete with picket fence and a family to cook, clean, and care for…but then my mom knocked some sense into me.  I recall one of my favorite books: Little Women and most vividly the character of Jo Marsh.  A determined writer and educator, she was always a firy pistol bound for greatness.  However, her lifes endeavors were far from what she had originally planned.  To Jo, it seemed like everything she fought for just kept getting taken from her.  Meg found a husband and began her budding family, while Amy married Laurie AND went on Jo’s promised vacay to Europe with Great Aunt Marsh.  After seeing her sisters’ happinesses and finding herself lost and confused, Jo became weary and says:

“Well, of course Aunt March prefers Amy over me. Why shouldn’t she? I’m ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I’m just so fitful and I can’t stand being here! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Marmee. There’s just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I – I can’t. And I just know I’ll never fit in anywhere. “

And Marmee replies:

“Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You’re ready to go out and – and find a good use for your talent. Tho’ I don’t know what I shall do without my Jo. Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it.”

I can remember SO many conversations with my own mom that resemble this one.  “Why is everyone else getting married but me.” “Why is it so easy for everyone else to settle down yet I have to fight?” Even the Laurie incident hits close to home…I never realized how alike Jo and I are.  I never really considered myself very “extraordinary”…the words “weird” and “annoying” come to mind, but hardly extraordinary.  I always knew I was different…ever since I was a little kid. I’ve always beat to my own drum and had to be “the best”.  I always denied what gifts were given to me and instead complained why life was so difficult for me and why it was so easy for everyone else to pursue their dreams, yet I have to fight every step of the way.  Perhaps like Jo, my life’s not supposed to look like “everyone elses.”  Perhaps it’s time I stop denying my gifts and embrace them…and paint my own portrait as opposed to assume the same role as everyone else.  In the end, Jo inherits Great Aunt Marsh’s estate and turns it into a school.  She also falls in love with a brilliant German Lit Professor several years her senior, who is cultured enough in the world to provide a solid rock for firy Jo to seek solice in….I have much to learn from Jo.

After a very productive and wonderful Saturday, Sunday came with a storm…with Ed taking the reigns.  A gloomy day, I figured I’d enjoy a lazy Sunday perhaps watching movies and working on my music.  After watching A Little Princess, I noticed just how strong the message was: being a princess is a woman’s birthright no matter of class, creed, race, or age.  Oh what gifts a woman truly possesses….her one flaw?  Allowing others to allow her to feel otherwise.  Sad thing is, it’s oh to easy to allow versions of Ed to enter our heads…as they surround us daily in our own personal battlefield.  I won’t deny that I did succumb to Ed’s evil plot in his first battle, but then I put on the Secret Life of Bees…and Mary allowed forgiveness.

Mary….the beautiful and strong mother of our sweet Savior.  The woman who had to endure adversity, was ridiculed by society, and treated second rate to serve a higher purpose.  She endured the pain, not because she allowed herself to succumb to the hostility and hate, but because the miracle she carried served something greater than herself. Scared? What young mother to be wouldn’t be?   Afterall, what woman wants to tell their parents that their knocked up and the “babydaddy”  is…well…you get the idea.  Back then, she was merely a woman fulfilling a promise.  To us, she is the pinnacle of strength and our matriarch of hope in a world built to bring us down.

In the Secret Life of Bees, a lot of emphasis is played upon the gift and strength of Mary.  Praying with our dear Mother for purpose and healing….and most importantly…forgiveness.  Forgiveness of others, and forgiveness for ourselves.  Sometimes it’s easier to pray to Mary for forgiveness, because as a woman she understands the pain and abuse we face.  She’s lived our lives and walked in our shoes….her heart has felt what ours feel.  Beat by beat, she has the still, soft strength to wrap her gentile arms around me and allow me to hear the melodic rhythm of her heart…my heart…our hearts…cleansing me and renewing me once again.  A mother’s forgiveness and a Queen’s blessing, making me a saved little princess once again.